Right now, it's 1:05 AM on Friday, August 25th. I'm writing this pretty early compared to my usual blog posts, but the first and last of every month are usually a certain category of post, and I was feeling inspired in the final week here. It's raining. Right now, quite hard, and I have some very dim lights on while I sit on a little couch in the patio just to listen. I've got a hoodie on even though I'd prefer a T-shirt, because the mosquitoes are annoying and I already have too many bites, and yet I still could not bring myself to wear long pants. I forgot to grab my glasses, so I'm writing with some very hard-working, vindictive eyes, and when the wind blows, I get splashed on just a little. Just on the outline of my silhouette; the crest of me knee and the tip of my shorts.
I guess what I mean to say is that I can tolerate some mosquito bites and a bit of discomfort from the warmth and the mugginess and I can tolerate squinting like I'm still a stubborn 20-year-old who doesn't want to let go of having healthy eyes so I keep telling myself I don't need glasses when I do. I can tolerate a drop of water on my knee every few minutes and I'm sure my iPad can withstand the periodic droplet, too. I have had the most difficult and chaotic three years of my life and I feel myself caught in this muck that I am desperately fighting to break free from like I'm a butterfly stuck in honey and yet... Right now, in this exact moment, I am so content. I can hardly put it into words. I wish that I could teleport you next to me in this moment so you can hear the rain while we hide in its shadow. A camera and a microphone could never capture this. It could never. I wish that I could convey to you, truly, how despite the fact that yesterday was a terribly painful day for me and that tomorrow I may have a terrible day, too, today was fine. It was hard--that came in waves--but I enjoyed the company of my brother and my sister-in-law. I enjoyed practicing Krav Maga and having a mock debate with my over-the-top brilliant instructor. I enjoyed going to Walmart and buying a new scent of shampoo and conditioner and a little bucket of stupid, squishy toys that I can give out when I go to a music festival. I enjoyed the sound of the rain on my window enough to lure me to this hot, muggy, wet cesspool of mosquitoes and terribly strained eyes... And I'm so glad I came outside to experience it. Would I prefer to have my glasses? Yes. Would I prefer the mosquitoes to vanish? Yes. A T-shirt, yes, and nice breeze YES but I know I won't remember this moment for those things. I won't remember it for what I'd change. I'm going to remember this moment, at 1:16 AM on Friday, August 25th for how amazingly pleasant and serene it was. For how human I felt. For how sheltered I felt from all of the terrible things that are going on in my life.
I am so lucky to be here. I know my time is limited, and I'm so sorry to remind you that yours is too but I really hope you can slow down and appreciate it in the way I am right now. I hope you can sit on a little couch in the patio when the rain is falling at 1:17 AM on a Friday in late August and let everything go. I hope you know that everything that is happening to you in between moments like this is only part of the massive game we're playing. I hope you know that you deserve this level of peace no matter who you are, and that it's okay to have it only in brief moments when you're taking a break from being slapped around by life and all of its goons.
I hope the next time you take a sip of the soda next to you, you remember the first time you ever tasted it. I hope you remember all of the things about it that bring you joy. I hope you know that I am writing this entire, silly, dramatic blog right now because there is no reason for me not to and that THAT is the exact type of permission you need. None. You need no permission.
I should be getting to bed, I always tell myself at this time of night, and if I did then I would be so responsible because I'm looking out for my sleep health and my ability to wake up energized for work and maybe I'd have time in the morning to make some breakfast and work out or whatever I want to do. I should be getting to bed. That is true.
But if I had gotten into bed and gone to sleep, I wouldn't be sitting outside at 1:23 AM on a night that still feels like Summer, experiencing the world while it sleeps and cries and sucks my blood. I wouldn't be living at all. I'm going to itch my thighs and my calves tomorrow and I am going to drive myself positively insane with it and I'll be a little tired and maybe I won't be able to make breakfast but honestly, internet, I have spent my last three years living in the past and the future all at once and NEVER spending a second wherever and whenever I was. Right now I am outside with the rain at 1:26 AM in the Summer. And I am healing.
That's all I got for you today. I post blogs every Thursday, so make sure you subscribe to our newsletter if you want to stay up to date with that, and if you want to support my financial independence... I don't know, buy something from my shop or just for the memes buy this mosquito trap off of Amazon: https://amzn.to/3YPGhGk
Take it easy.